Claustrophobia

Why do I feel like this town is getting smaller by the minute when it is actually growing in size and population? Is it because people are consistently obsessed with what people do? Is it because some people have no life and feel like they need to constantly track what others are doing? Or is it just human nature, something we have to overcome through maturity and age when we finally realize that we are wasting precious time facebook stalking and instead could be doing something prolific with time that we will never get back? Sadly, we choose to take part in the things that are counterproductive.

Wow, we really are living in sad times.

I have lived in this place my entire life and I know all the faces extremely well. Although each one is different in size, shape, color, and depth they will always stay the same. Stuck here in this place forever, never getting out of their comfort zone, never really leaving. Never experiencing life somewhere else. But this town is where they belong, and they feel no claustrophobia. They don't feel like their walls are caving in and they aren't gasping for air.

I've never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong. I need to go where no one knows who I am. Where I can meet people with out the worries of the town gossipers pouncing in on my every move like a cougar hiding in the midst until the opportune moment comes so they can sink their claws into something else that, you guessed it, is counterproductive. This is what they feed on. "Like a human living on tofu. It keep's you strong but never fully satisfies." Then, their fix wears off and they go hunting for someone else. Or they never move on, and just stay in the same hunting area. But the problem with that is eventually they will run out of suspects. Eventually people will find out their little game and they will become extinct.

You know who you are. And I'm sorry I don't update my facebook status every 2.5 seconds.

Do people not realize that instead of searching on facebook they could read a book, learn a language, paint, have an real life conversation with someone, work and make $$, sleep, work out, bake, take a walk outside, journal (or blog), or if you just need to be on the computer you could be researching things that you would like to learn about. Like another country, or how to make sushi or how to get a book published. We don't have forever to do the things we want to do.

But as for now I am stuck in this massive amount of quicksand...but I will be getting out of it soon.

Spring 2009

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

We had our life planned out together. We had looked at rings, talked about where we would live, how many kids we would have; everything seemed perfect. And then it was all gone in a two hour conversation that began as "we can work though this" and ended with "maybe we should break up."

His plans haven't changed at all except the fact that I am not in the picture. My plans right now are best described as "What plans!?" I am basically starting from scratch. Ground Zero. I graduate from college in approximately 82 days and I have no clue what I am doing. How did I get myself into this mess?

It doesn't help that the economy is the worst it's been since the Great Depression and finding a job in Fashion Styling is slim-to-none. I will do an internship for free (great!) and gain experience in that area but what if there is no job offer? What do I do? I have a plan... and I am not exactly sure if it's the right one or not but I'm gonna go with it.

I am contemplating on moving to Spain for about three months when I graduate. Yeah I know, crazy. But I know enough Spanish to work somewhere such as a resort where I could clean the resort hotels like Kate Bosworth did in Blue Crush. Get an apartment, live somewhere local and really learn the Spanish language and culture. It would be ten times cheaper living there for a short period of time than going back to school (in America) for Linguistics. I would be gaining a hands on cultural experience and meet knew people (and not to mention I would be a train ride away from Portugal, France, Italy, etc). It would also teach me how to fully depend on myself, because for the past two years I have (stupidily) depended on someone who is no longer in the picture. I would be making money, traveling, meeting people and in my free time work on my novel that has been coming together quite nicely.

I need to get away from this town. See the world while I am young and not bound to anyone or anything. Then when I return I will be fluent in Spanish and more cultured, which will make myself more marketable. I'll work on getting my novel published as well as job hunt. And who knows, I may love Spain so much that I may want to make it permanent! (said with much sarcasm) But in all seriousness I really do believe that living there will make me appreciate living in America, even though times are tough. (But are they not tough everywhere?)

As far as being single I am suprisingly enjoying it. I forgot how much fun I had before I met him. But I will never regret those two years with him. They were the best years of my life so far and I will always cherish the times spent with him and the memories made. I still love him dearly and if in the future we are brought back together then I would be with him in a heartbeat. He was my heartbeat for two years.

But this is what God has in store for me now, and I am taking everything with a positive attitude, open heart and an open mind. I believe what he has instore for me is beyond anything I can imagine right now and I can't wait to get to walk in the future stilettos he has for me.