Are We Human?

I don't know how to describe the way I feel anymore. It's almost like I'm dead.

I have no enthusiasm, no excitement, no sadness, no pain, no nothing right now. I am totally numb.

How can you fall out of love with someone so quickly, to the point that they don't even exist to you anymore? How can you be so close to someone one day and then the next live in two separate universes? I can't even remember places we went together, conversations we had, happy times or sad. It's like someone erased them from my memory.

In a way, I'm so glad it's like this. No post-break-up feelings you have to deal with. But in a way it kind of scares me; that I can go from one feeling to the next so quickly with no trouble at all. It's almost not human.

It just feels like every possible feeling I have has been slapped right out of me. I no longer get nervous, scared, super excited over small things like I used to; I definitely do not cry, but I don't really laugh much either. Try to comprehend this: It makes me nervous that I don't get nervous, or, it makes me sad that I don't get sad. Does that make since?? It does to me. It's like "the past was erased and the eraser was forgotten; the lie became the truth."

But in a way, I knew our relationship wasn't going to work out. It was in the back of my head and surfaced sporadically on occasion; usually when I was the happiest. Because apparently the way my mind works is if I am happy, it will bring to my attention something that will make me lose the happiness. And my mind would occasionally bring to my attention all the reason's why we would not work out just when things were going great. But I should have ended it sooner. Engaged? In less than a year from now? What was I thinking?? That's not for me right now. And so someway or another end up being a housewife?? You can put that thought right back where you found it. Because I would rather die than be a housewife. I understand it's for some people; it's just not for me.

All I want to do is write books. That's it. That is literally all I want to do. Write and write some more. And read. I love reading things that make me think hard; books that have more meaning than some stupid book about being a shopaholic or a girl who gets everything. I want a tragedy; something where the end of the book means death but they died for something; they died for meaning and for purpose. A tragic love story where you know the book ends with one of them dying but that's the only way to make the book work. Or a story about real problems, like eating disorders but not a model story but of a real person whose life is over-taken by this disease. Something with substance! Something where things don't always turn out perfect, because that's not how real life is.

We are programmed when we are little girls to believe that some stupid Prince is going to come sweep us off our feet one day. Well, I am past over this little theory. This does not happen. The real story should be written that "well sweetie, the guy will probably cheat on you, or hit you, or make you crazy, or tell you you are going to hell, or they die, or something tragic will tear you apart..." the list could go on and on. I know that may be a little morbid, but it really is true. Maybe that's why I like the movie P.S. I Love You so much; because it's reality. Or The Break-Up. But no, we can't bear to tell our little girls that now could we?? No, we can't, because we are human and we would rather tell them a lie than give them the truth for once. What we really should say to them is "If a guy tries to sweep you off your feet one day, because he will, you are going to need to Google him and then do an extensive background-check before you even consider dating him."

This is reality people. You can no longer date someone without doing a background check on them unless you have grown-up with them and already know everything about them. This is a different world we live in now. A whole different playing field. People aren't solid any more. People have baggage; people are crazy. People are human. Too human.

So I am in the process of writing a novel, and it's about this. It is a tragedy. It isn't happy. Most of the book is infact down-right depressing. But it is real. The 2 main characters have problems; both which are different, and one of them even dies. I hope to finish it by Christmas. I am already chapters into it. It is a love story; a tragic love story where not everything is hunky-dorry. Just how I like it. Because that's how our lives are. Nothing ever is what it seems; you try to force something to happen and it doesn't; and just when you think you've got everything under control something crazy happens and you are starting from scratch all over again. Maybe I should title the book "Life." Because this book is reality.

Surely if all this shopping, fairytale and girly garbage can get published my books about reality can. Hopefully we haven't all been sucked into this nonsense.

-K