Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Unapproachable

All my life I have been told that I am intimidating, which is something about myself that I am apparently unaware of.

Last night, I finally got somewhat of an answer.

He said something along the lines of how I was intimidating. And I asked why? Could you please give me answer because no one ever can.

He said "It's because you are beautiful and sarcastic at the same time."

Finally, somewhat of an answer.

First of all, I don't consider myself beautiful by any means. I see myself as average. Extremely different in a sense but average as far as looks are concerned. Confusing I know. But there is nothing exotic or striking about me. And that's what I consider beauty, not average. And second of all, I am sarcastic. Very. But not to the point that it's annoying or too much. I find my sarcasm quite humorous actually. Never once have I thought of it being intimidating. But I could see where it would come off that way...

But I understand what he meant by his answer. It means that people don't want to approach me because they don't know what I am going to say next. So I guess that makes me witty?? I would consider myself witty; I like witty. But this person is pretty witty himself. So what's the problem? Why am I so unapproachable.

Okay so I guess I am not like everyone else. Which is fine. I can and have been dealing with that my whole life. I have always considered myself weird or abnormal from the average person. So I guess that doesn't make me average then does it?

Ok, so we have now established the fact that I am different. And sarcastic/witty. So I can see how that would make me unapproachable now. But does that mean that I need to change? I can't change that about myself without being someone I don't want to be. So if someone can't "approach" me (i.e. guy-wise) then they aren't for me. I guess it's just as simple as that.

I don't really know why I am writing this; it's just sometimes I can't figure out things in my head so I have to write them out to better comprehend them. This is my word-vomit on paper, I guess.

If that's not abnormal, then I don't know what it.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Venting

Ok...so I’m just going to vent to you for a second. This blog is totally not like my regular blogs; I am just having a bad morning apparently. So bare with me.

So I am trying to lose some weight right? I've gained weight over the summer; not happy about it. Well I am trying to do it the healthy way; workout, eat right, etc. So Monday I weighed 109.5. Boo. I want to be 103 because that is what I have weighed since i graduated high school and what i weighed before the summer started. So Tuesday I weighed 107. Excellent! I went down!! Wednesday I weighed...109.5 again. Ok that’s reasonable. Weight fluctuates. Well this morning I weighed 110.5. The most I have ever weighed in my entire life.

So I am going to starve myself basically. Till Saturday. Yeah I am going to eat but it will be very little and I hope to make myself very hungry and have my stomach eat the extra gluten that’s obviously attached to my body still. Eat away stomach; eat away.

I am really concerned. Have I lost my good metabolism?? If so that’s not good and I just might become a temporary anorexic. I’m not kidding. I don’t know what I am doing wrong. Here is what I have eaten every day this week:

Breakfast: fruit(like a peach or handful of grapes) and a 90 calorie granola bar.
Lunch: soup – vegetable soup that doesn’t even contain fat and is 90 calories and a banana.
Dinner: I had a salad one night with chips and salsa and the other night I had a lean pocket. Last night I had soup again. 90 calorie soup!!
Snack: I have limited my self to eat like a half of grapefruit if I get hungry or like a yogurt or something. I think one time I had hummus. But again; 60 calorie hummus with reduced fat wheat thins.

I am not a happy camper.

Oh and for almost 2 week straight I have done an hour of cardio (bike, treadmill, eliptical) every single day. Every day!! I am so mad. So I am thinking the weights gotta drop here sometime soon...because I literally have worked myself to death.

Maybe I will fast for like a day or two. Might be hard but I think I could do it. I've done it before a few years back. And I hear it's good for you to fast once a month every day. I just don't get it! I just don't!! Here I am trying to lose it the healthy way and end up gaining more weight than I ever have. I really am trying to be healthy.

Any advice?? I would love to hear your comments. They would be much help I am sure. Just don't tell me I am skinny enough already. I've heard that one to many times and it's not true.

I will weigh 103 by graduation if it kills me (August 7th). I will.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Are We Human?

I don't know how to describe the way I feel anymore. It's almost like I'm dead.

I have no enthusiasm, no excitement, no sadness, no pain, no nothing right now. I am totally numb.

How can you fall out of love with someone so quickly, to the point that they don't even exist to you anymore? How can you be so close to someone one day and then the next live in two separate universes? I can't even remember places we went together, conversations we had, happy times or sad. It's like someone erased them from my memory.

In a way, I'm so glad it's like this. No post-break-up feelings you have to deal with. But in a way it kind of scares me; that I can go from one feeling to the next so quickly with no trouble at all. It's almost not human.

It just feels like every possible feeling I have has been slapped right out of me. I no longer get nervous, scared, super excited over small things like I used to; I definitely do not cry, but I don't really laugh much either. Try to comprehend this: It makes me nervous that I don't get nervous, or, it makes me sad that I don't get sad. Does that make since?? It does to me. It's like "the past was erased and the eraser was forgotten; the lie became the truth."

But in a way, I knew our relationship wasn't going to work out. It was in the back of my head and surfaced sporadically on occasion; usually when I was the happiest. Because apparently the way my mind works is if I am happy, it will bring to my attention something that will make me lose the happiness. And my mind would occasionally bring to my attention all the reason's why we would not work out just when things were going great. But I should have ended it sooner. Engaged? In less than a year from now? What was I thinking?? That's not for me right now. And so someway or another end up being a housewife?? You can put that thought right back where you found it. Because I would rather die than be a housewife. I understand it's for some people; it's just not for me.

All I want to do is write books. That's it. That is literally all I want to do. Write and write some more. And read. I love reading things that make me think hard; books that have more meaning than some stupid book about being a shopaholic or a girl who gets everything. I want a tragedy; something where the end of the book means death but they died for something; they died for meaning and for purpose. A tragic love story where you know the book ends with one of them dying but that's the only way to make the book work. Or a story about real problems, like eating disorders but not a model story but of a real person whose life is over-taken by this disease. Something with substance! Something where things don't always turn out perfect, because that's not how real life is.

We are programmed when we are little girls to believe that some stupid Prince is going to come sweep us off our feet one day. Well, I am past over this little theory. This does not happen. The real story should be written that "well sweetie, the guy will probably cheat on you, or hit you, or make you crazy, or tell you you are going to hell, or they die, or something tragic will tear you apart..." the list could go on and on. I know that may be a little morbid, but it really is true. Maybe that's why I like the movie P.S. I Love You so much; because it's reality. Or The Break-Up. But no, we can't bear to tell our little girls that now could we?? No, we can't, because we are human and we would rather tell them a lie than give them the truth for once. What we really should say to them is "If a guy tries to sweep you off your feet one day, because he will, you are going to need to Google him and then do an extensive background-check before you even consider dating him."

This is reality people. You can no longer date someone without doing a background check on them unless you have grown-up with them and already know everything about them. This is a different world we live in now. A whole different playing field. People aren't solid any more. People have baggage; people are crazy. People are human. Too human.

So I am in the process of writing a novel, and it's about this. It is a tragedy. It isn't happy. Most of the book is infact down-right depressing. But it is real. The 2 main characters have problems; both which are different, and one of them even dies. I hope to finish it by Christmas. I am already chapters into it. It is a love story; a tragic love story where not everything is hunky-dorry. Just how I like it. Because that's how our lives are. Nothing ever is what it seems; you try to force something to happen and it doesn't; and just when you think you've got everything under control something crazy happens and you are starting from scratch all over again. Maybe I should title the book "Life." Because this book is reality.

Surely if all this shopping, fairytale and girly garbage can get published my books about reality can. Hopefully we haven't all been sucked into this nonsense.

-K

Monday, July 13, 2009

Veganism (may be a little graphic)

So a close friend of mine let me borrow a book titled (excuse the language) "Skinny Bitches." It's not what you think; it's just a book about what foods are good for you and what actually goes into things such as pasteurized milk and cheese; even what they are spraying on your fruits and vegetables and what you need to stay healthy. It even gives you a list of what these antibiotics and things such as high fructose corn syrup does to your body.

But what is even more crazy is that it explains that the government knows what these harmful pesticides and ingredients do to your body over time. One chapter made me cry. (And if you know me, I don't cry very often...I think the last time I really cried was when I sang for the last time at Hillcrest). Anyways, that chapter literally made me sick because of how unsanitary all this stuff that they are doing actually is. So sick that foods I loved yesterday are disgusting to even think about today. I was speechless when I finished reading this book.

The thing is that I have nothing wrong with eating a huge juicy steak or hamburger (as long as it's not fast food) and my personal favorite, pork. And it's not even that these pigs and cows are slaughtered (I mean what other way would you kill an animal?). But it was the fact of what these animals are fed and live in that made my mind start turning circles.

The authors interviewed EVERY SINGLE slaughter house in the country. And EVERY SINGLE one of them admitted that these animal and buildings that they were kept in, were in fact unsanitary. But because they are employees, they have to listen to what there boss says. Here's just a few examples:

Chickens, which are not only fed hormones to make them grow exceptionally large, are crammed into chicken houses and basically live on top of one another. That means they dwell in there own feces and sometimes their own blood for days or weeks at a time. (so other chickens eat and peck at dead chickens and their feces for days at a time. Nice) Not only that but most of these buildings and factories that they are processed in house thousands of rats and lacucarachas (cockroaches). When these chickens fall off the line to be processed, they land in the cockroaches and rats and die. But that's not all. Workers are MADE to go retrieve the chickens (that are dead and may have been dead for days and are swarming with roaches mind you) and send them down the line, even though they are already dead and not safe to eat. All so they have another chicken to sell. All for money. Have you ever wondered why we are seeing little 11 year old girls running around looking like they are 17?? Hormones. Wonder why younger people are now dying from cancer and blod clots and other bacteria?? It's what's found in your food, and chickens are just one example. (oh yeah, they also throw useless chicks into a dumpster. They don't even have the decensy to just go ahead and kill them. They toss, like you would a baseball, these chickens into a dumpster). That is just so sanitary.

But you may argue that we've been eating this stuff for years!!?? Well actually, no, we haven't. In 1994 a law was passed allowing these mass producers to use chemicals and hormones, etc in the chicken and other meats. Thus starting the cramming and the unsanitary housing because chickens were producing chickens so rapidly, cramming the chicken houses and factories so much that they can't keep track of what's good or bad. So ever since then we have been eating crap, and the government knows this.

The same goes for cows and hogs, but you don't want me to type that story out. It's even more disturbing than the chickens. (just think of rocket fuel and other metals and ask if you would like to put those in your digestive track??)

So lets get on the dairy subject. Milk that is pasteurized isn't done like my first grade teacher taught me. It is no longer done the old fashion way unless you get it from a local small farmer/farm, and even then, because it is made for calves to drink, not humans, it has to be cleaned because we would get super sick. So cows utters are hooked to metal tubes (that they never clean out) and cows are given some kind of hormone to produce massive amounts of it, which isn't natural. (for more concrete facts get the book. It's unreal) Some of this milk clogs up and some of it is even puss. Yes, that is disgusting and very hard for me to type but it's true. So that's what we are drinking when we drink the oh-so-safe pasturized milk. Great. This same milk is also in cheese, yogurt, ice cream, yada yada. Wonderful. This is a problem for me because I LOVE cheese. Every kind of cheese. I haven't found a bad one yet and I have probably tasted over 50 kinds of cheese because of the restaurant I used to work in. If it's anything I can't get away from it's cheese. So what am I going to do??

It doesn't even end there. To mass produce our fruits and vegetables that you think are so healthy, they also infest these GROWN and NATURAL products as well, all so they can be billionaires...because these people are rich. This effects not only raw fruits and veggies but soups, potato chips, juices, UGH!!! This part of the book was so frustrating because at this point I was thinking "What the crap am I supposed to eat now...???"

So, obviously, this book gives you a solution and it's not an easy one. Veganism. I know, I know. It sucks. But now the milk I tried to drink the other day just didn't taste the same. Neither did that yogurt. Or my turkey sandwich. So I have made a conscious decision as to what I will put in my mouth.

I'm starting with dairy. Milk first. No I'm not going to throw away all the yogurt and DanActive and cheese that I have in my fridge. I'm going to eat it, because then that will just be wasting good money unless one of you want to come take it off my hands. But I was already out of milk so I've started by switching over to Silk Soy Milk. And I promise you, if you drank this stuff you will NEVER go back to regular milk. It's so good!! And they even have it in Vanilla and Chocolate. So that's my first switch. Then after I eat all the yogurt and the DanActive's I am going to get soy yogurt and ice cream, which also tastes just the same.

As far as meat goes, there is meat you can by from a local farmers market that has not been infested and is actually good for you (okay so I won't be a total vegan because I will be eating animal products) but these won't be the ones with all the hormones in them either. So it's MUCH more safe. The same goes for the fruits and veggies, they are just organic. Plus, it helps out your local farmers, who btw, are doing things the right way. (some fruits and veggies are okay to by non-organic. You can tell if they have thick skin, like watermelon, pineapple, onions, corn(not in the can), broccoli, tomatoes, etc. But things that can get soft eventually like apples, pears, strawberries, grapes, celery, are infested, so buy organic). But I just can't bring myself to totally quit eating meat, because I love it too much.

So you may think I am going a little bit over board...but what's so wrong with buying the natural organic fruits and veggies? And the naturally raised cattle, pigs and chickens? At least we know they aren't being tortured and they live good and healthy and happy lives. I am a total believer that those animals were put on this earth for us to eat. But not to be tortured and toyed with. As far as dairy though, you can't get around it. Soy products and organic cheese is the only way around it and can be found if you are willing to look. Oh and sodas, which I already don't drink this is just FYI, contain some of the same stuff that makes people addicted to heroine. And diet coke is even worse (just read the book; i promise you will change what you put into your mouth). I guess from now on I'm just going with "If God didn't make it, I'm not going to eat it (and I already know your argument and milk and cheese is in fact processed, pasturised and man-made). And Splenda? Sweet and Low?? Nope. Totally bad and unsanitary. It even went to the supreme court to ban but because they were all friends with the companies creator they let that one slide and the public never heard about it. Sweet. We are so informed.

It's going to be hard and no, I'm not gonna go all vegetarian on you because meat, when consumed sporadically, is the only way we can get the vitamin B-12 unless you take supplements. I'm just not going to eat meat EVERY SINGLE DAY. Plus I just love sushi too much (but fish generally aren't tortured and processed, just skinned and cleaned, and if we didn't eat them the sea would be crammed with them).

It's going to be a change but at least it will be a healthy one. Plus I've been wanting to cleanse myself for a while. So this will be my detoxification. Haha. But this book also is very helpful, and tells you what carbs are actually good carbs and has a list of vitamins and where we can get them from naturally. So it's very helpful and very informative. (But there is a bit of derogatory language in the book, so don't let your kid read it. It is VERY blunt and straight forward and sometimes even graphic. But it's the truth ( I just would have used some different choice of words.)

And it's not about being thin. It's about being healthy. And healthy does mean slimmer, no matter the body type. But becoming even thinner isn't my goal. My goal is to become healthy. Because I'm kind of not. I may look it, but I eat the same crap everyone else does. That's the real reason why I'm doing this, along with an exercise routine 6 days a week.

So I would love to hear feedback, from those of you who have read and haven't read the book. I like the comments. Just don't be rude or ignorant or judgmental. I'm not so you shouldn't be either. Also, no ugly language please :)

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Ouch...paper cut. Now where did I put those gothic Hello Kitty Band-aids?

I was recently informed by a friend that someone who I was trying to get to know and be-friend thinks I am a crazy gothic chick.

??

Can someone explain this to me please?

This has been on my mind for a few weeks now and is starting to irritate me. So I'm writing this blog to set the record straight and to vent before I go crazy.

Ok...so I wear dark plum/purple nail polish all the time. That's like my signature. Everyone knows that I wear that color all the time. So to make it clear, the polish is purple; not black. (If you watched the Hills, Gossip Girl, or even What Not To Wear on TLC you would know that Lauren Conrad, Blair Waldorf, and Stacy London have all, at some point, worn this color nail polish.)

And yes, I wear a lot of black. I happen to feel it is the best color on me, and my Fashion Merchandising Advisor concurs. Notice that my black clothes do not have skulls, crossbones, spikes, chains, studds, NIN signs (Nine Inch Nails) or ICP (Insane Clown Posse) on it. And the only reason I know who these bands are is because I went to Saks High. Enough said. Please also include Marilyn Manson in that list as well. I do not listen to that type of music. Ok?

Next. Yes, I am pale. No, I do not like to tan. There are many reasons for this. 1) I do not want melanoma by the time I'm thirty so laying in a tanning bed everyday doesn't work for me. 2) I like the fact that I do not look like a leather couch. 3) I take acne medication that does not allow me to lay out. If you have a problem with this, please call Dr. Shelly Ray. 4) Nicole Kidman is a Blonde Austrailian who is one of the whitest people I've ever seen and no one calls her gothic. I happen to love Nicole Kidman. (She's also middle age; do you see any wrinkles and/or skin/age spots? No, you do not. This is due to the fact that she doesn't tan.) 5) I don't want to look like every other blue-eyed, blonde headed Barbie Doll: Tall, Blonde, and Tan. That's not me. I am tall, I am blonde, I am pale. My eyes are almost black (I do not wear contacts. If you have a problem with the color of my eyes then talk to God about that one.) I do not look like I am from California and don't plan on it. Do you need any more reasons?

I have black four-inch bondage heels. If you subscribed to Vogue or Harpers Bazaar or woke up in the 21st century you would know that that is not a sign of Gothicism (lol) it is called fashion. Please aquire some. (This last sentence does not pertain to everyone, just the person who thinks I'm gothic.)It's totally fine if you don't like Vogue or the 21st century. I don't make fun of your Laura Ingles Wilder clothes. So don't make fun of my 2010 clothes. We all can dress how we want. I choose to wear bondage shoes and there is nothing wrong with that.

I have also read the Twilight Saga Series twice. I am a big fan of Twilight; not vampires. If reading or watching Twilight makes me gothic then the entire world is, in fact, gothic right along with me.

So lets review.

  • I do not wear black lipstick or black nail polish.
  • I do not cut myself on the wrists or anywhere else.
  • I do not worship Satan.
  • Graveyards creep me out.
  • My hair is blonde. How much more un-gothic can I be?
  • I am thin. I know this. This is not something new to me. This thinness is not due to the fact that I take meth or shoot up or do any other type of drug. I am not bulemic, but you may want to be careful what you say because I have struggled with that before and I have friends who also have or are currently struggling with it as well. So keep your mouth shut; you never know what a person is going through. Currently, I am not bulemic or anorexic; I run three miles a day. I eat like a horse most days. It's called metabolism. Everyones is different; I guess I have a lot of it.
  • I was at one point a Zeta Tau Alpha. Not exactly a gothic sorority.
  • I am not obsessed with vampires: just Twilight. There is a huge difference.
  • My favorite musician is John Mayer. Please tell me you know who that is...
Oh yeah...I forgot one other thing she also said:

Her family came over to have dinner with mine. They were being the nice family that I have always known and loved. I was not there. She saw my room. My room happens to be dark plum. So freaking what!? I like purple. Appariently I was the topic of conversation on the way home. "Kayla's a little too dark. Kayla's a freak. Did you see the color of her walls?" (Um, yeah...and last time I checked they were purple; not black. If I paint my walls black then you have my full permission to admit me into the Psyche Ward.) Did you not happen to notice that I have 1964 framed Vogue magazines on my walls? One cover girl is Twiggy, the other is Jean Shrimpton. My bright blue bible is laying on my night stand. I have Paris book-ends. I also have foriegn Elle magazines that I have collected from the countries I've been to framed on my wall. AUDREY HEPBURN is EVERYWHERE! My own personal paintings of FLOWERS are also displayed throughout my room along with colorful, artistic vases.

So, I'm just a little irritated. I have been nice to you for a while; have tried to be your friend; have tried to make you feel welcome. Well I'm done with that. You haven't tried to get to know me. You have just assumed. And when you assume you make an "ass" out of "u" and "me." But mainly just "u." I have tried so hard to become your friend. I honestly wanted to get to know you. What's even worse is that you are nice to my face and talk mean behind my back. We are not in second grade anymore. So don't be surprised when I don't talk to you like I have been. I don't put up with fake; I don't put up with foaney. My friends love me for who I am; even if I were gothic.

So, get out of your bubble. Not everyone's the same as you; if we were, we would all be pretty boring. I'm not usually a mean person but you've pushed my buttons. It's fine if you want to think I'm gothic. The problem I have is that you are telling other people that I am when I am clearly not. I am a fashion major. I don't look like I belong in Anniston and I don't want to. I don't like looking like everyone else. But there is also nothing wrong with looking like everyone else. I just choose not to do it.

So if you just have to talk about me then talk about this blog. It's out in the open for you to read and discuss and comment on. Feel free. All I ask, is that if this person happens to read my blog and wants to leave a dirty/ugly/hateful comment then please do not do it anonymously. If you aren't big enough to say it to my face (or at least let me know who you are) then don't say anything at all.

So if you happen to see me wearing a band-aid, please do not assume that I have cut myself on purpose. Also take notice that the band-aid is probably Hello Kitty.

Yep, I'm soooo gothic.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Claustrophobia

Why do I feel like this town is getting smaller by the minute when it is actually growing in size and population? Is it because people are consistently obsessed with what people do? Is it because some people have no life and feel like they need to constantly track what others are doing? Or is it just human nature, something we have to overcome through maturity and age when we finally realize that we are wasting precious time facebook stalking and instead could be doing something prolific with time that we will never get back? Sadly, we choose to take part in the things that are counterproductive.

Wow, we really are living in sad times.

I have lived in this place my entire life and I know all the faces extremely well. Although each one is different in size, shape, color, and depth they will always stay the same. Stuck here in this place forever, never getting out of their comfort zone, never really leaving. Never experiencing life somewhere else. But this town is where they belong, and they feel no claustrophobia. They don't feel like their walls are caving in and they aren't gasping for air.

I've never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong. I need to go where no one knows who I am. Where I can meet people with out the worries of the town gossipers pouncing in on my every move like a cougar hiding in the midst until the opportune moment comes so they can sink their claws into something else that, you guessed it, is counterproductive. This is what they feed on. "Like a human living on tofu. It keep's you strong but never fully satisfies." Then, their fix wears off and they go hunting for someone else. Or they never move on, and just stay in the same hunting area. But the problem with that is eventually they will run out of suspects. Eventually people will find out their little game and they will become extinct.

You know who you are. And I'm sorry I don't update my facebook status every 2.5 seconds.

Do people not realize that instead of searching on facebook they could read a book, learn a language, paint, have an real life conversation with someone, work and make $$, sleep, work out, bake, take a walk outside, journal (or blog), or if you just need to be on the computer you could be researching things that you would like to learn about. Like another country, or how to make sushi or how to get a book published. We don't have forever to do the things we want to do.

But as for now I am stuck in this massive amount of quicksand...but I will be getting out of it soon.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Spring 2009